featured post: “{gulp}” by three is a magic number

When I first read Trinity‘s post with the intention of featuring it here on the site, I did not know how to fairly and accurately summarize it. There are so many layers here to address– infertility, identity, denial, faith, trust, and the ever-present bucket of fear and devastation swinging above, just waiting for you to take the plunge and open the door. This post is loaded with emotion, complexity, and something beautiful wrapped up in the very center.

After realizing that this illness had continued for nearly two weeks, I started to worry that it was something else. Do I have some kind of digestive thing going on? Should I make a doctor’s appointment? It was more plausible to me that I had an ulcer or some other gastric problem than what probably seemed obvious to anyone else.

If I didn’t know any better, I said to N one night, I’d think I was pregnant….

Yesterday, on CD50, to rule it out, I tested.

And then cried, stunned, into my hands.

It is, for most people, probably very easy to see an event like this as a blessing and nothing more. After all, if what defines someone as infertile, how better to negate that than with pregnancy? If a woman suffers loss after loss and then gives birth to a perfectly healthy baby, has she not “undone” her affliction? If a couple desperately wants to be parents and they adopt and bring that baby home, well, now they are parents, right? It should end there.

Of course not. It could never end there, because painful histories are not easily forgotten.

In making the decision to table growing our family for the time being, I felt like I’d placed the final suture in my old IF wound. This test ripped it right open to its rawest again.

This post is beautiful in how deeply honest it is to those of us who are said to have “come out the other side” because we have always left something behind, and part of what is left behind is our trust, our certainty, and our identity. When I think of my own experience with infertility, I think of my identity as a girl, then a woman, then an infertile woman, and now a mom with an asterisk next to it. Am I infertile, still, or am I cured? Will my next pregnancy happen with so little effort that I was not even actively “trying” yet, and will the term “TTC” cease to apply to someone like me? And can I even call myself “infertile” and claim all that I have been through when I have a baby on my hip and another on the floor in front of me, screaming to be scooped up?

There is a lot to process here, and Trinity writes it so beautifully and honestly. Check out her full entry {Gulp}, and drop her some congratulations in the comments at Three Is a Magic Number.

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  1. […] (formerly of Three is a Magic Number, now in her new home at Arch Mama) and her husband were surprised to be (“naturally”) expecting their second child after requiring IVF/ICSI (for MFI) to […]

  2. […] {gulp} by Trinity (pregnancy, identity, emotion) […]

  3. […] {gulp} by Trinity (pregnancy, identity, emotion) […]

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