featured post: “Wanted for Robbery” by No Baby Ruth

I am generally not into blogging about blogging about blogging. There are as many reasons for blogging as there are blogs, and then some. However, within the ALI corner of the blogosphere an over-arching theme presents itself: community. And again, there are as many definitions for what that means as there are bloggers and then some more. Deep down, I think we all just like to know that somebody is listening to us.

When I first read “Wanted for Robbery” by No Baby Ruth, I was doing a lot of thinking about blogging. Should I just close up shop? Should I just go balls out? Her first paragraph took those “All or Nothing” blinders off for me:

I came to the realization this weekend that I’ve not been using this space to its full potential. The point of blogging is connecting, communicating, interacting. Otherwise we’d all just journal. And, yet, I’ve not been writing about some of my most prevalent emotions and thoughts of late, things I could surely use some help with. I’ve been updating, but not saying much. I’ve been thinking, but not writing. And that’s silly. This space is here for me. I need to use it.

Point taken. And truly, I needed to read this. I need to write in my space, however I define that, or I am not communicating. Not even with myself. I am just updating. And only sort of. Kick in the pants, received.

But that is not why I kept going back to this post – why I kept thinking about it for the last few weeks.

The rest of this post hit me at a much deeper level. I go through bouts when I struggle with what I could have been, had I been as driven as I was at X point in time. I never did become what I thought, what everyone thought, I would. And then I wonder when I lost “it” and begin to panic that that was a long time ago and I have done nothing since. Obviously, that isn’t true – I have done a lot of living since then. Maybe living isn’t the right word – existing.

The worst part is that I can no longer look around, see what I want, and go for it. Why? Because I can’t see how to get what I want. Where do people put their passion? Where do they invest their drive? Their work. Their spare time. Themselves. None of those are working for me.

I’m not that good at the “fun” side of life. I don’t have any hobbies. I flit in and out of a regular yoga practice. I love to read and yet I lie on the couch watching terrible reality TV. I love tennis and yet I haven’t played since before I was pregnant with Sofia.

I’m just okay at everything. I do fine work, but it’s not my best. I don’t eat terribly poorly, but nor do I eat as healthily as I could. I go for a run occasionally, but I’m certainly no runner.

No Baby Ruth echos me wondering “Where Did I Go?” and suddenly, while I still feel lost, I don’t feel so alone out there in the fog. Something stole the clearly lit path away, and it is difficult to pinpoint who did it. For her, maybe it’s PCOS. For me, maybe it was my second loss. These wounds, they cut us deeply, and healing is a non-linear process. Perhaps figuring out what was stolen is the first step to getting it back.

I’m being held hostage by infertility. Won’t someone pay the ransom, please?

Please head over to No Baby Ruth and check out “Wanted for Robbery” – an honest look for the things that have gone missing. Comments on this thread will be closed in an effort for you to connect directly and share your thoughts with her.


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