featured post – thoughts from a DE mom

Most discussions about donor gametes focus on technicalities– finding known or unknown donors, the origins of the reproductive disease causing ovarian failure, the manipulation of hormones and the uterine environment, the careful timing of transfers. Fewer discussions center around projected fears and the emotions surrounding the use of donor gametes– in fact, I think you’ll hardly see any unless you’re reading the blogs of people who have used donor gametes, and if you’re not reading those blogs, I would almost guarantee that you won’t see a thing written anywhere about what that experience is like after the child is born.

KS from Inconceivable!?!?! POF Journey, a self-described DE (donor egg) mom, wrote a refreshingly positive post about her experience as the mom of a toddler and another on the way through donor gametes:

I realized I haven’t mentioned my thoughts on DE in quite sometime.  And to be honest with you it’s because I seem to forget for the most part… Yes I am still very aware that Lola and I share no DNA, but there are still such similarities between us that it’s very easy to forget.  She seems to have my personality….  I don’t look at her and see her donor, I look at her and I see my miracle.  My Lola.

For us the idea of using a donor wasn’t even something we really had to discuss.  We both really wanted to experience the whole pregnancy thing.  The expanding belly, the kicks, the appointments, the cravings, etc… It was something we had both dreamed off…  And having DE as an option and the IVF technology available to us is just amazing.

The reason I call this post “refreshing” is, as I said above, because outside our blogging community there isn’t much said about the “after” of donor gametes. It’s only those who use donor gametes and write about it later who contribute to that portion of the story– and really, pregnancy is just nine months or less. What about the entirety of raising a child after the pregnancy is over? There is so much more to the story than just genes and IVF. (Sidebar: I think there are many parallels here to the adoption process as well– that child may not have your DNA, but that’s probably not the first thing on your mind at the dinner table when your child is ten and you’re just doing normal Mom stuff like giving him a lecture about turning his homework in on time. Parenting and love have nothing to do with DNA.) Here, KS shares with us how daily life with her daughter has made DE and genetics fade into the background of her parenting journey.

KS acknowledges that there is a downside to her experience, but it’s unrelated to donor gametes and sounds more like the general infertility experience:

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that there aren’t days where I am still very saddened by our journey.  But it doesn’t have anything to do with DE.  The reason I have sadness is because of the amount of time we lost trying.  And the amount of tears, sleepless nights and the financial burden my diagnosis put on us.  And the one thing that makes me really sad is that it took us so long to end up at the right clinic and find the right donor for us.

I think most of us can agree with that. For my part, I’m glad everything worked out as it did and I ended up with my beautiful girls, but certainly things would have been much easier if we hadn’t tried on our own for nearly two full years without success before starting treatments with our RE.

Pop on over to Inconceivable!?!?! POF Journey to read “Thoughts from a DE Mom” and other posts by KS. As always, comments here are closed so you can send your messages straight to KS on her blog.


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