feature post – the what ifs

When I was pregnant with Stella I had, what I feel is very normal for any IFer who finds herself pregnant, pregnancy related anxiety. After trying for so long, and so hard, to get pregnant I wasn’t able to ‘just relax’ and assume everything would be okay with the pregnancy. I was constantly worried about something going wrong. That being said, for the most part things went well, we had a few scares, and a few days bed rest, and a short (yet terrifying) readmission to the hospital after birth. But in the grand scheme of things, everything went fine. Yet I still find myself with some anxiety. Just before I sat down to write this post I was feeding Stella blueberries I had picked when I was still pregnant with her last year and had frozen. And I was telling Stella that this summer she would get to go blueberry picking with me. And my breath caught in the back of my throat, and my gut clenched a little, and a voice in my head whispered ‘as long as everything goes okay and she continues to be healthy.’  For the record, Stella is 100% healthy, but there is still this lingering fear in my head that something could still go wrong.

Yet for all my anxiety and worry, I know that what I have felt is nothing compared to the countless parents who deliver preterm babies, who spend months living in a NICU fighting everyday to help their child live.

EndoJourney is one such parent. EndoJourney literally fought for every single minute to keep her child in her womb. And when he was born at 24 weeks and 5 days, she continued that fight, becoming a ‘NICU parent.’ And now that her precious baby is home, it’s still a fight, still a worry, the “what ifs” are literally endless.

I cannot begin to fathom what she and her husband have gone through, have felt. And I don’t try, not because I don’t sympathize with her, but because I know I cannot grasp it and I don’t ever want to sound like ‘I know’ what she has been through. I don’t. I do know the sense of overwhelming worry, but I don’t know it on her scale, on her experiences. When I read her post “The What Ifs” my heart immediately recognized the ‘worry of a Mom.’ And my brain recognized that she was experiencing it on a whole other level. A level I couldn’t begin to grasp. And my heart went out to her. Not because I knew what it was like for, but because I didn’t. I don’t know what it is like to have a baby born that early, to spend  months in NICU, only to go home and still be assaulted by the ‘what ifs.’

I have worried about writing this because I do not have first hand experience on this topic and I do not in any way want to seem like I am trivializing the journey of NICU parents. I want to share the journey of a true Mommy-warrior and her warrior-husband and warrior-baby, who have fought for life and won, yet are still experiencing the ravages of that battle. I hope you’ll read EndoJourney’s “The What Ifs” for a glimpse at what an amazing Mom she is.

As always, comments here are closed so you can go visit EndoJourney and share your thoughts there.

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